Upon learning of our unplanned pregnancy, my girlfriend and I both felt that our relationship was not ready to survive raising a child in the environment we would have liked to have provided. Thus we began the process of deciding exactly what we should do.
I saw the most important role for me as the birth father was to support my girlfriend in whatever decision she made. But because of the nature of our relationship, my girlfriend felt that my feelings were important as well in making her decision. I was able to help her by looking at every angle. The option of releasing for adoption became clearer and clearer as the one that would be the best for her and the easiest to live with in the years to come. As my girlfriend is fond of saying, “I am pro-choice, and I chose.”
After researching some agencies, I decided to call one agency by the name of Adoption Associates I made an appointment to have one of their representatives visit our house so that we could discuss the process and what our options were. As it turned out, the “representative” was actually the director of the agency. His visit with us was meant not only to inform us of everything that was available, but also to provide an opportunity for him to learn about us.
It was important to us to prepare for the release as much as we could. This planning was largely reflected in our criteria for choosing the family that would adopt our child.
It was extremely important that the adoptive parents be as involved with us during the pregnancy as possible. We felt that the more we knew about the people who would be our child’s parents, the less mystery we would feel concerning “I wonder how the baby’s doing?” later on. We also felt that since the couple probably could not have biological children, they should be able to experience and play a part in as much of our pregnancy as they possibly could. We also wanted the adoptive couple to have been together for quite some time already, and their education and background was very important to us. The more we knew the adoptive parents, the less room there would be for nagging or worrisome unknowns after we had released. We would be able to look back and know we had done the right thing and chosen the right people.
My girlfriend and I decided to look at the adoptive family profiles individually and each pick our three favorites. When we had at last made our own top three choices, we sat down together to discuss them. We were both surprised to find that each of us had chosen the same couple as our first choice.
The time finally arrived to meet the family we had chosen. We were very nervous and worried things like “what if we don’t like them?” We met at a restaurant and the conversation was very blunt about the adoption process we were beginning. We were all speaking quite openly about some deeply emotional concerns with people whom we had just met, yet they were things that needed to be brought out in the open from the beginning. We found that the frank, open and honest nature of the evening left us with a greater feeling of respect for one another. By the end of the evening, we were already beginning to feel comfortable around each other and we were laughing together.
For the rest of the pregnancy, we kept in very close contact. The adoptive parents came to Lamaze classes with us, as well as doctor’s appointments, and more dinners. But things weren’t easy. We got little or no support from one side of our family. We were giving away their grandchild/niece/nephew and we were no good for doing so. While situations like this made things difficult at times, our relationship with the adoptive parents and the confidence we had that we were doing the right thing helped us to keep our heads up and kept things bearable.
At 7:00 AM on October 12th, the first real contractions began. After over 24 hours my girlfriend was still not dilating as she should have been, so the decision was made to perform a c-section. No one was allowed in the operating room except for the staff, but I was allowed to wait just outside the room as the adoptive parents waited in the waiting room. I soon heard the cries of a newborn baby through the door, and shortly thereafter, a brand new little girl was wheeled out where I could see her, and then taken to the nursery.
The most poignant part of the whole nine month journey for me was when I had the honor of going to the waiting room and delivering the news to the adoptive parents that their little boy now had a “baby girl” to call his very own sister.
The baby was healthy and happy, and we were able to see her and hold her whenever we wanted. I felt more like a surrogate birth father; as if I were holding somebody else’s child than my own.
It was a tearful moment when it came time to say goodbye to the new parents and the little girl we’d helped to create. Yet the time we’d taken to get to know them helped us to feel secure in the knowledge that we’d done the right thing not only for the baby we’d brought into the world, but for ourselves as well. This chapter was over and we had new ones to begin writing.
I am happy to report that we are doing well. We visit a local support group when we are able, and sometimes lie awake at night and talk about how a family somewhere is happier now because of us, and the new addition we helped to add to their home.
